How to Talk to Your Spouse Who Says You Work Too Much

Strong marriages and relationships require attention from both partners. This balance of attention to spouse versus earning a living or furthering your career can be difficult to find. And, once you have found a balance that works in your relationship, things change and you have to find the balance again.

Why do some people overwork? The Overworking Spouse may be under considerable stress on the job, or may have a boss that demands long hours. Or maybe there are layoffs coming up and the less productive workers are the first to go. Maybe one partner has to work long hours just to support the family. On the other hand, the overworking spouse may be strongly identifying with career advancement to the exclusion of the marriage. Of course, we should be involved in work that is worthwhile, fulfilling and financially rewarding but over focus can put the marriage at risk.

What can happen when you put your work/career first? Your spouse may be feeling emotionally disconnected from you and lonely. There may be a buildup of resentment which can lead to anger and finally bitterness-towards you. This situation often leads to unhappiness and discord for the entire family.

As a psychologist who has worked for 20 years counseling couples in my therapy practice in North St. Paul, MN, I met with Amy and Josh with just this complaint. Amy was complaining that she was overburdened because Josh worked too much and left her with the responsibilities of home, children, and her own 40-hour job. He knew she was right but he felt defensive when she tried to tell him how to manage his work schedule. He’d started complaining that when wasn’t very affectionate lately and always blamed her disinterest in their physical intimacy on fatigue. He asked to meet with me individually after Amy had had a session to talk about her “side”of the problem. He was appreciative that she was not as naggy as she had been in the past, but he still felt blamed and criticized.

When Josh and I met, we talked of the reasons that he was spending so much time at work. The usual reasons people overwork is that they are feeling under considerable stress on the job, or may have a boss that demands long hours. Or maybe there are layoffs coming up and the less productive works are the first to go. Maybe one partner has to work long hours just to support the family. On the hand, the overworking spouse may be strongly identifying with career advancement to the exclusion of the marriage.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman, in their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, suggest the following questions:

1.What does your work mean to you?

2.What pleasure or satisfaction does work bring to you?

3.What need does working fulfill in your life?

4.Does your work related to some personal legacy you would like to contribute to the world?

In a discussion with Josh, he pointed out that he was trying to make headway in his career now, while he was still young and had the energy. He knew his wife was doing a good job parenting their two small children (3 years and 9 months) so he wanted to focus on earning good money for his family. At first, he couldn’t understand why Amy was complaining so much because he was doing all this work for her and their children. He felt it was his responsibility. He wanted to provide his children with a fund for their education.

I suggested he consider the questions listed above. He said that his work is very satisfying in that he felt very confident and capable at work. He also wanted to meet his father’s expectations who had had a successful career. His older two brothers had moved from job to job and he knew his father was disappointed that they had difficulty supporting their families.

It was important for Josh to understand the underlying reasons for his excessive hours at work. He did not have a demanding boss and he was in no threat of a layoff. He just wanted to do the right thing. He had not thought of himself as having value over and above that of a worker and wage earner. He resigned himself to have a discussion with Amy. He said he would try to listen carefully about what Amy was longing for when she complained to him. I suggested he try to imagine the experiences she wanted to have with him and not to focus on her criticisms.

When Amy and Josh came for the next couple’s session, they wanted to further discuss the overworking situation. (They no longer saw the problem as residing inside one of them but as a problem the two of them need to figure out.) Any was able to explain to him what she missed when he work so much. He came to get a sense that his contribution to their family was not solely a financial responsibility. He heard her tell him he was also loved, appreciated, and needed as a friend, confidant and co-parent. She especially enjoyed his easy humor with their children and felt he was the only one who would be able to provide that.

This was a difficult issue for this couple and it was not resolved quickly. They were able to discuss their needs and wants in a different way when they addressed the questions about the underlying reasons for their positions.

Professors – Ways to Be Wise When Traveling (Before and During)

Since I am writing this article about how to be wise when you travel (and I am on the road at a professional conference) the ideas are quite fresh in my mind. If you travel as part of your academic responsibility, then you will find these ideas helpful.

Let people know you are on the road so they will not expect you to get back to them as quickly. You can leave this information in a message on your outgoing voice mail and, if you are going to be out for an extended period of time, set up an email responder, as well. (Note: If you are going to be out for one or two days, then my suggestion is NOT to annoy people who email you with a return email that says that you will be out "until tomorrow afternoon" or the like.)

Answer voice mail as you travel so it's not all there when you get back in town. This means you must have a voice mail system that is easily retrievable. Make it a point to return voice mail within 24 hours of when you get the message, if at all possible.

Keep up with your email as you travel. Not doing so is even more onerous than taking the extra steps to be able to access it while you're on the road. There are several possibilities:

  • you can have all your email forwarded to a web-based email system;
  • you can set up your laptop to access all your email (and either leave the original message on the server or not);
  • or you may use what I use, GoToMyPC, which lets me access my home office computer from any other computer. That way, I'm answering my emails just as if I am in front of my main computer. It's convenient because all my deleted, saved, and sent messages are right there where they belong and all attachments I might need to send to someone are easily accessible.

Create a productive environment for yourself when you are traveling. Some ways to do so include:

  • If you are traveling by car, make sure you have all the items that will let you be comfortable and productive while on the road.
  • If you are traveling by plane, then make sure you have noise-cancelling headphones and the kind of work that can easily be retrieved while sitting in an airplane seat.
  • Once you arrive at your hotel, take a few minutes and get it set up. I will often move tables around to create a L-shaped workspace. I have also been known to take 100 watt light bulbs with me when I go to Las Vegas (or stay at a W Hotel) because the lamps are so dim that it's very difficult to see and get reading and work done. Learn what works best for you-and then create that environment as much as you can.

Join loyalty programs whenever possible and then maximize your use of those particular airlines and hotels. There are small (and sometimes large) amenities that go along with being a member of a program. If at all possible, aim for the elite status which really gives you worth perquisites (including leverage) when traveling.

You're a professor. You're smart. You need to travel to conferences, to conduct your research, to learn, to share your knowledge, and to expand your horizons. So now, be wise about traveling by putting one or more of the ideas in this article into practice and move closer to peaceful productivity as a way of life.

Since I am writing this article about how to be wise when you travel (and I am on the road at a professional conference) the ideas are quite fresh in my mind. If you travel as part of your academic responsibility, then you will find these ideas helpful.

Let people know you are on the road so they will not expect you to get back to them as quickly. You can leave this information in a message on your outgoing voice mail and, if you are going to be out for an extended period of time, set up an email responder, as well. (Note: If you are going to be out for one or two days, then my suggestion is NOT to annoy people who email you with a return email that says that you will be out "until tomorrow afternoon" or the like.)

Answer voice mail as you travel so it's not all there when you get back in town. This means you must have a voice mail system that is easily retrievable. Make it a point to return voice mail within 24 hours of when you get the message, if at all possible.

Keep up with your email as you travel. Not doing so is even more onerous than taking the extra steps to be able to access it while you're on the road. There are several possibilities:

  • you can have all your email forwarded to a web-based email system;
  • you can set up your laptop to access all your email (and either leave the original message on the server or not);
  • or you may use what I use, GoToMyPC, which lets me access my home office computer from any other computer. That way, I'm answering my emails just as if I am in front of my main computer. It's convenient because all my deleted, saved, and sent messages are right there where they belong and all attachments I might need to send to someone are easily accessible.

Create a productive environment for yourself when you are traveling. Some ways to do so include:

  • If you are traveling by car, make sure you have all the items that will let you be comfortable and productive while on the road.
  • If you are traveling by plane, then make sure you have noise-cancelling headphones and the kind of work that can easily be retrieved while sitting in an airplane seat.
  • Once you arrive at your hotel, take a few minutes and get it set up. I will often move tables around to create a L-shaped workspace. I have also been known to take 100 watt light bulbs with me when I go to Las Vegas (or stay at a W Hotel) because the lamps are so dim that it's very difficult to see and get reading and work done. Learn what works best for you-and then create that environment as much as you can.

Join loyalty programs whenever possible and then maximize your use of those particular airlines and hotels. There are small (and sometimes large) amenities that go along with being a member of a program. If at all possible, aim for the elite status which really gives you worth perquisites (including leverage) when traveling.

You're a professor. You're smart. You need to travel to conferences, to conduct your research, to learn, to share your knowledge, and to expand your horizons. So now, be wise about traveling by putting one or more of the ideas in this article into practice and move closer to peaceful productivity as a way of life.

Fast Weight Loss Diets That Shrink Belly Fat

Getting a Firm Belly

A lot of importance is placed upon tight flat stomachs. Marketing campaigns are always promoting items that will accomplish this. Although many individuals want to lose their belly fat, due to appearances, one main reason to reduce this fat is your health! However, experts are now saying that it is okay to have a little fat, as long as you are not overweight.

Belly flab and high blood pressure, as well as high cholesterol, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes have been linked to belly fat. In order to be at no health risk, men should not have a waist measuring more than 40 inches, and women must have a 35 inch waist or less.

Below are some good techniques to help you reduce dangerous abdominal fat and get a firm belly:

· Exercise More, Eat Better

Calories do not have to be burnt at a gym or workout class; this can be done when you participate in everyday activities. For example, yard work burns several hundred calories per hour. Whereas organized sports, like football, burn even more. Another great activity to burn calories is swimming. Still another way to burn calories is to engage in walking.

Your fat-burning metabolism will kick into overdrive with Cardio exercise. All you need is persistence and perseverance; the trick is to find an activity you like. If you stick to it, the pounds will melt away. It’s also imperative to alter your routine to ward off boredom, as well as to get maximum calorie burning results.

In order to get a firm belly, there are different exercises that you can implement into your schedule. The American Council on Exercise did a study to find out the best types of exercise to incorporate into any weight loss program. Their findings included supine bicycle, captain’s chair leg lifts, and vertical leg crunches. These exercises are thought to work the abs more than any other exercises. Other good exercises include twisting crunches and exercise ball crunches. These activities should be done several times a week in order to obtain a slimmer waistline. Detailed step-by-step tutorials for each exercise can be found on the internet. However, if you are an outside person and your yard needs mowed, this activity will move all those muscles in the right way. However you must engage in this activity at least 20 minutes, non- stop.

Different foods can help you get a firm belly. Foods high in protein and fiber are slenderizing, however sugary carbs increase belly fat rather quickly. You should look for a diet consisting of complex carbs, unsaturated fats, and lean protein sources; a classic example is the South Beach diet. The diet solution has a high success rate and is a natural way of losing weight.

· Reduce Stress

The reducing of stress can be accomplished at the same time that you are losing belly fat. This can be done through the implementation of yoga. Yoga has a two-fold effect on our bellies, as follows:

1. It reduces stress levels. Stress very often leads to weight gain. Stress-induced weight gain often results in belly fat. In this way, stress reduction can give you a flatter stomach and at the same time, actually lower your risk for many diseases.

2. Yoga also tones the muscles in your stomach. A yoga routine that includes supine poses and other postures will work the abdominal muscles. You might want to check out a yoga DVD or video tape, or you can also try to go through some yoga tutorials.

All in all, it takes time and effort to get that dream belly, but it sure is worth it!

The State Of Paralegal Employment In The United States

In 2004, Paralegal jobs and legal assistant’s jobs amounted to about 224,000 positions in all sectors of the economy of the United States. 84% of these had Paralegal qualifications above both Associate’s and Bachelor’s Degree, with about 10% Paralegals who had higher degrees leaving only about 6% Paralegals who have been trained on the job and working without formal Paralegal education.

As was in the beginning, private law firms controlled the lion share of employing about 70% of all working Paralegals then; today, according to present day employment statistics, this number has fallen as the Paralegal profession continues to expand into deferent fields of human endeavor. Many paralegals and legal assistants these days work for corporate legal departments and various levels of government agencies and None governmental organizations..

The U.S. Department of Justice is the largest employer of Paralegal within the Federal Government, followed by the Social Security Administration and the U.S. Department of the Treasury. State governments and Counties are also increasingly employing Paralegals to help make legal services available to the common man on the street.

More Paralegals are setting up private Paralegal offices in states where the law provides such privileges and work as freelance legal assistants, contracting their services to attorneys or corporate legal departments.

It is hoped that in the nearest future the Paralegal profession would be robust enough to receive country wide approval for Paralegals to practice freely providing legal assistance to all and sundry according to the law. This will be a step in the right direction considering that in the United Kingdom, Solicitors play the same roles as registered legal practitioners.